Hello everyone. It’s been awhile but I’m officially back. I have so much to write about. I’m pretty excited. But first I wanted to share my new YouTube Channel called Luna Empath, where I will be talking about metaphysical and spiritual matters, as well as LGBTQ issues, veganism, feminism and holistic health. Here is my first video diary entry.
Issues With Accepting My Body
Issues With My Femininity/Womanhood
Accepting Myself As An Empath
From Atheist To Spiritual
Hello everyone! It’s been quite awhile but I am ready to share my journey. A lot has happened since my last post and I am excited to share my spiritual journey of healing with others. I hope you are well and are having a good start to the new year. Blessed be and take care.
-Luna
Accepting And Honoring Your Feelings
This is going to be a rather difficult post for me to write but I believe that it will bring me closer to inner peace and self-acceptance. Like many people, I do not like ruminating on the past and all of the hurtful, negative memories that fill it. However, I am a firm believer that when you don’t accept and honor your feelings, they fester inside you and poison you. This is why it is impossible to live in the present, to enjoy our daily lives when we are plagued by constant memories of the past. The memories themselves may not always be horrible; certainly, a relationship that has dissolved is not purely bad all of the time. It has its good moments of bliss and happiness. When we finally confront these memories and the emotions that accompany them, we can finally begin to heal and move on from our past.
Why Do I Hate Talking About My Past Relationships?
For a long time now, I have been asking myself this question: why am I so hesitant to discuss my past failed relationships? Even as I write this, I feel no desire to bring up this painful yet important issue. I have had two serious relationships; one of them resulted in me getting married. While I know that there is more to life than relationships and love, I have found it so difficult to talk about the way I trusted these people with my heart and the way they disregarded my feelings and belittled me. In many ways, they were bullies. Sometimes I seriously wonder if I was emotionally abused by the two of them; there are many clear indicators that I certainly was manipulated by their selfish ways.
Sadly, I put most of the blame on myself. For a very long time now, I have thought that there is something essentially wrong with me. In my frayed logic (negatively affected by depression and anxiety), this relationship and marriage did not work because I am too sensitive, complicated and needy. I have pushed away both partners for my ‘demanding’ affectionate ways. I essentially smothered them.
Accepting Myself As An Affection, Gentle Person
What has really helped me start to heal is accepting the fact that while I am not perfect, I have many redeemable qualities that are sought after in a friendship/relationship. I am empathetic, non-judgmental, patient, compassionate and a great listener. I try my best to not interrupt others and give them space to talk. I don’t belittle their feelings and I am extremely supportive, through the good times and the bad.
Unfortunately, I am quite hesitant to meet new people. My depression and anxiety have been telling me that they will get bored of me or wind up hurting me. But everything in life is a risk. If we don’t expose ourselves to new situations, experiences and people, then we never truly experience life. Even though it’s hard, I’m trying my best to overcome these fears. While there is nothing wrong with being independent and relying on no one else for all of your happiness and self-worth, it’s also not good to be wrapped up in complete isolation. I will work hard to put myself out there more and meet new people and hopefully make new friends.
Reclaiming My Identity As A Woman
When you think of the word woman, what thoughts or descriptions come to mind? What about when you hear the word man? It seems that in our collective society, the word woman conjures many negative images and associations. When compared to a man, a woman is seen as feeble, submissive and passive. In our culture, it is clear that the male is the dominant gender; we see this in everyday life, from high paying positions to gender stereotypes in movies and television.
Sexism And Social Identity
I think it’s safe to say that most of us like to think that we are immune to these subtle sexist messages. However, it has come to my realization that I have been socially conditioned to essentially hate myself as a woman. As a woman, I support all my fellow sisters, always including transgender women, too. But when it comes to myself, I see so much insecurity, shame and regret in my mere femininity and womanhood.
This is extremely hard to admit because I consider myself a feminist. I do not believe that one gender is superior than the other; I firmly believe that while men and women have their slight differences, neither one is better than the other. I do not hate men. Yes, several men have hurt me deeply. But I do not blame an entire gender based on a few individuals.
For the past few years, I even thought that I was genderfluid, which for me means that I identify as both man and woman. Then I started seriously wondering if I was a transgender man. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with being non-binary (anyone who doesn’t completely identify within the gender binary) or transgender, I started to ask myself: could I be so ashamed of my own gender identity that I want to completely disassociate myself from it?
A Painful RealizationÂ
Last week was an extremely arduous time for me. I actually came to two painful but true realizations that are very closely linked together. I will speak about the first one in a future post, since it requires more examination and discussion, but the second one hit me the next day. Throughout my entire life, I have been oppressed and treated so unkindly and unjustly just based on my gender. While sexism certainly has negative effects on men, women are unfairly scrutinized and judged based on their mere appearance and sexuality. While a man retains his identity as a person even when he is sexual, this is not the case for women. When a woman is sexually active, she is reduced to her sex. She is objectified and her humanity, personality and identity are all stripped away.
I have found this to be so saddening and infuriating. Despite my past sexual abuse, I find beauty in sexuality, as long as it’s consensual, safe and everyone is of age. But I see a clear war against women’s sexuality. Sex is used to sell everything from hamburgers to underwear. But the moment that a woman genuinely enjoys sex, especially outside a relationship or marriage, then it’s considered pretty much demonic.
Maybe some of you are saying that I could just ignore these messages and stereotypes. But like most women, I have experienced so much sexism that I started seriously asking myself: is there anything good in being a woman? My grandmother says that girls are born into this world to just suffer, and while I wish I could completely disagree with her, she does have a valid point. To be a woman is to suffer in this sexist world that constantly tries to subjugate and control you.
The Beauty And Strength In Womanhood
Ironically, when I started to seriously consider the fact that I may be a transgender man, I actually found the thought abhorrent. Most of the men that I have encountered are not nice people at all. It seems that in our current society, you have to be cold-hearted, sarcastic and mean to be a ‘real man’. Of course, this is not true at all. There are many men that I’ve met that are gentle, kind-hearted and compassionate. And they are still a man in every way and form. But when I started to truly ask myself if I am a man, I came to the inevitable truth that I have been suspecting: I have been shamed by society and my collective experiences as a woman.
I know that I may seem so confused. Society loves concrete answers; you are either this or that. But I think it’s extremely important and even lovely to question yourself, especially when something doesn’t feel right to you. I no longer want to experience shame and regret over my womanhood or femininity. There is so much beauty and strength in being a woman. As women, we are taught that we are weak for being so emotional. But isn’t it interesting how so many people are unable to express their emotions in a healthy way and therefore take out their anger, sadness and frustration onto others, including loved ones, strangers and fellow workers? If more people were in touch with their emotional side, would there really be so much negativity in the world?
When someone tells me that I’m too sensitive now, I smile and say thank you. Because I see it as a positive trait. Being highly attuned to my emotions is a wonderful gift. It means that I am empathetic toward others, I don’t judge and I honor my feelings instead of running away from them. For most of my life, I have felt so ashamed for being sensitive. I thought it was a curse, practically, to feel so strongly and be so in tune with the emotional. I have blacked out numerous times with alcohol, slept with people I barely knew, and cut myself in order to escape my overwhelming emotions. Now, instead of doing any of those things, I write in my journal, I exercise, I meditate, I cry if I have to.
Reclaiming My Womanhood
I think that the start of a journey is always the hardest. It’s so hard to begin something new because it’s often scary and unpredictable. Even though it may be painful at times, I think that going on this path of radical self-acceptance and healing will be extremely positive and even life changing for me. I often try to stay away from such grandiose claims, but the truth is that I am so tired of being ashamed of who I am, especially as a woman. I have been focusing on all of my mistakes and flaws for so long that I am ready to for this much needed change.
Thank you so much for reading…and as always, take care and blessed be.
YouTube Channel
I have created a new YouTube channel in conjunction with this blog. I look forward to adding more videos to accompany my posts. I apologize for my wandering gaze, I am learning how to maintain eye contact and be a better speaker. I will be adding more posts shortly. Blessed be and have a lovely day. Take care.
Introduction Post
Hello everyone! I am Raven and I am excited to start this new blog which will detail my spiritual journey of healing, self-acceptance and inner growth. I have suffered from severe depression, anxiety and PTSD for twelve years now and I have also abused alcohol, sex, and food in order to escape the persistent loneliness and emptiness that I feel. For much of my life, I have identified as an atheist, but there have been many events and circumstances in my life that have led me to believe that there is more than this material, physical world.
Now that I am delving into this part of of my life, I already feel more hopeful, positive and energetic. Now, more than ever, I see the connections in the world around me that are undeniable. I am an empath and my intuition has been getting sharper now that I have accepted this part of myself that I kept in the shadows for so long.
I think magic is completely natural and I have chosen to become a white witch because I believe in positivity and healing. I do not wish any ill will to anyone, not even my enemies. I am also a writer and I am excited to write some poems and spells that will bring forth healing, acceptance and more peace into our lives.
I have always felt like I don’t belong in this world…but now I realize that I do belong in it. I am not shallow, materialistic or judgmental. Everyone has always commented on how sweet and kind I am, and while I am no saint, I do believe that I am here to learn and inspire others. I look forward to posting entries highlighting my spiritual journey of awakening and becoming more in touch with the blessed Earth and other empaths, witches and introverted people.
Luna Empath 