When you think of the word woman, what thoughts or descriptions come to mind? What about when you hear the word man? It seems that in our collective society, the word woman conjures many negative images and associations. When compared to a man, a woman is seen as feeble, submissive and passive. In our culture, it is clear that the male is the dominant gender; we see this in everyday life, from high paying positions to gender stereotypes in movies and television.
Sexism And Social Identity
I think it’s safe to say that most of us like to think that we are immune to these subtle sexist messages. However, it has come to my realization that I have been socially conditioned to essentially hate myself as a woman. As a woman, I support all my fellow sisters, always including transgender women, too. But when it comes to myself, I see so much insecurity, shame and regret in my mere femininity and womanhood.
This is extremely hard to admit because I consider myself a feminist. I do not believe that one gender is superior than the other; I firmly believe that while men and women have their slight differences, neither one is better than the other. I do not hate men. Yes, several men have hurt me deeply. But I do not blame an entire gender based on a few individuals.
For the past few years, I even thought that I was genderfluid, which for me means that I identify as both man and woman. Then I started seriously wondering if I was a transgender man. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with being non-binary (anyone who doesn’t completely identify within the gender binary) or transgender, I started to ask myself: could I be so ashamed of my own gender identity that I want to completely disassociate myself from it?
A Painful Realization
Last week was an extremely arduous time for me. I actually came to two painful but true realizations that are very closely linked together. I will speak about the first one in a future post, since it requires more examination and discussion, but the second one hit me the next day. Throughout my entire life, I have been oppressed and treated so unkindly and unjustly just based on my gender. While sexism certainly has negative effects on men, women are unfairly scrutinized and judged based on their mere appearance and sexuality. While a man retains his identity as a person even when he is sexual, this is not the case for women. When a woman is sexually active, she is reduced to her sex. She is objectified and her humanity, personality and identity are all stripped away.
I have found this to be so saddening and infuriating. Despite my past sexual abuse, I find beauty in sexuality, as long as it’s consensual, safe and everyone is of age. But I see a clear war against women’s sexuality. Sex is used to sell everything from hamburgers to underwear. But the moment that a woman genuinely enjoys sex, especially outside a relationship or marriage, then it’s considered pretty much demonic.
Maybe some of you are saying that I could just ignore these messages and stereotypes. But like most women, I have experienced so much sexism that I started seriously asking myself: is there anything good in being a woman? My grandmother says that girls are born into this world to just suffer, and while I wish I could completely disagree with her, she does have a valid point. To be a woman is to suffer in this sexist world that constantly tries to subjugate and control you.
The Beauty And Strength In Womanhood
Ironically, when I started to seriously consider the fact that I may be a transgender man, I actually found the thought abhorrent. Most of the men that I have encountered are not nice people at all. It seems that in our current society, you have to be cold-hearted, sarcastic and mean to be a ‘real man’. Of course, this is not true at all. There are many men that I’ve met that are gentle, kind-hearted and compassionate. And they are still a man in every way and form. But when I started to truly ask myself if I am a man, I came to the inevitable truth that I have been suspecting: I have been shamed by society and my collective experiences as a woman.
I know that I may seem so confused. Society loves concrete answers; you are either this or that. But I think it’s extremely important and even lovely to question yourself, especially when something doesn’t feel right to you. I no longer want to experience shame and regret over my womanhood or femininity. There is so much beauty and strength in being a woman. As women, we are taught that we are weak for being so emotional. But isn’t it interesting how so many people are unable to express their emotions in a healthy way and therefore take out their anger, sadness and frustration onto others, including loved ones, strangers and fellow workers? If more people were in touch with their emotional side, would there really be so much negativity in the world?
When someone tells me that I’m too sensitive now, I smile and say thank you. Because I see it as a positive trait. Being highly attuned to my emotions is a wonderful gift. It means that I am empathetic toward others, I don’t judge and I honor my feelings instead of running away from them. For most of my life, I have felt so ashamed for being sensitive. I thought it was a curse, practically, to feel so strongly and be so in tune with the emotional. I have blacked out numerous times with alcohol, slept with people I barely knew, and cut myself in order to escape my overwhelming emotions. Now, instead of doing any of those things, I write in my journal, I exercise, I meditate, I cry if I have to.
Reclaiming My Womanhood
I think that the start of a journey is always the hardest. It’s so hard to begin something new because it’s often scary and unpredictable. Even though it may be painful at times, I think that going on this path of radical self-acceptance and healing will be extremely positive and even life changing for me. I often try to stay away from such grandiose claims, but the truth is that I am so tired of being ashamed of who I am, especially as a woman. I have been focusing on all of my mistakes and flaws for so long that I am ready to for this much needed change.
Thank you so much for reading…and as always, take care and blessed be.
Luna Empath 